The Blog - Humor category

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 12:58:00 GMT

I'm a little late to the party on this, but I'm glad I discovered Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. It seems during writers strikes, Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly fame is not idle. Done on a shoe-string budget and released on the web only, this 45 minute 3 act musical is hilarious. You can watch it right on-line at the above address too.

A DVD is in the works as well as a sequel. You can also purchase it on iTunes (the video as well as the soundtrack, which is also fantastic, BTW.)

The Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their Programs do not Work

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 21:17:00 GMT

That’s weird…
It’s never done that before.
It worked yesterday.
How is that possible?
It must be a hardware problem.
What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?
There is something funky in your data.
I haven’t touched that module in weeks!
You must have the wrong version.
It’s just some unlucky coincidence.
I can’t test everything!
THIS can’t be the source of THAT.
It works, but it hasn’t been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
Did you check for a virus on your system?
Even though it doesn’t work, how does it feel?
You can’t use that version on your system.
Why do you want to do it that way?
Where were you when the program blew up?
It works on my machine.

Technology Prima Donna

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 21:14:00 GMT

There's never been a better time in history to be a Technology Prima Donna. Good employees are hard to find, but good emplyees who understand technology are even rarer. If you have any technical skill at all--or if you can fake it--take full advantage of the raw power and happiness that comes with being a Technology Prima Donna.

If I were a famous psychologist--and thus free to make up stuff and still be credible--I would propose two possible explanations for why Technology Prima Donnas get away with their behavior. The most obvious is that everyone believes Technology Prima Donnas are capable of going on a killing spree, so it's a good idea to give them what they want. But there's another theory that's equally plausible: Most people foolishly believe "You get what you pay for."

The Technology Prima Donna makes you "pay" a higher psychological price for knowing him or her. Therefore you rationalize that there must be some value to justify the high price. (I would be an excellent fake psychologist.) If the Technology Prima Donna in your department doesn't get fired right away, you start to think the person must have some substantial hidden talents that make the abuse worthwhile. Within a month, you're telling other people what a genius the sociopath is. The Technology Prima Donna's reputation spreads. Soon it becomes impossible to fire the Technology Prima Donna because everyone will think the business depends on this one person.

Common sense might tell you that people who act like Technology Prima Donnas would be killed by angry mobs while the police turn a blind eye. But it doesn't work that way. Technology Prima Donnas are treated as stars and given extra money and larger cubicles. Sometimes even offices! As a worker, your choice is to suffer the indignities of interacting with Technology Prima Donnas or to become one yourself. I suggest becoming one. All you really lose is friends, and you can get more of those on the Internet. (The Internet is the best place to find friends, because you can pretend to be someone else. Your Internet friends will also be pretending to be other people, so in essence you will be creating fake people who will be friends with each other, but that's close enough. At least no one will ask to borrow your stuff.)

Most departments can survive having only one or two Technology Prima Donnas, so make sure you're one of them. It won't be hard to fool your boss into thinking you're a Technology Prima Donna if you follow these guidelines:

Have a Bad Personality
No one will believe you're a Technology Prima Donna unless you have a personality so unpleasant that your dog stuffs Gravy Train in his ears whenever you're near. Make it clear to those who would impose on you that there is a price to pay to be in your presence, and that price is exposure to your personality.

The Technology Prima Donna's Golden Rule
- Anyone who asks a question is a moron.
- The people who don't ask questions are morons too.

As a Technology Prima Donna, you have the right to look down on the ignorant masses who don't have your technical brilliance. But it's not sufficient to merely think contemptuous thoughts about others. You must let them know what you are thinking, through words and actions.

USER: I have a technical problem

PRIMA DONNA: That figures.

USER: I can't print, for some reason.

PRIMA DONNA: I think I know the reason, but I'd have to X-ray your head to be sure.

USER: I think it's a software conflict.

PRIMA DONNA: Pffft (said with spittle).

Never Respond To Questions
The only downside to being a Technology Prima Donna is that your co-workers will continually ask you questions. If you give simple and helpful answers, that will only encourage more questions. And if you admit you don't know the answers, that will blow your cover as a Technology Prima Donna. Your best bet is to avoid giving any answer at all. There are two good ways to do that. The first way is to simply ignore the people who ask the questions, as if they don't exist. Most people will repeat the question, louder each time, until finally giving up. As the defeated person turns to leave in anger, say, "It depends." That makes it seem as though you weren't ignoring the person, you were only thinking hard about the question. Most people will give up at this point, realizing that a conversation with you could take months. That's just enough effort on your part to protect you against accusations of unhelpfulness.

The second way to avoid giving answers is to tell people to reboot their system, no matter what the problem is. That rarely works, but it buys you time to escape. Look at your pager and mutter, "Uh-oh." then walk briskly to your nearest hideout. In all likelihood, the user's problem will be solved before you can be located.

Dress Like A Blind Hobo
Your dedication to looking unattractive is the most reliable indicator that you have godlike technical skills. The Technology Prima Donna's wardrobe should look like it were stolen from a blind hobo, who, despite being visually challenged, put up a mighty struggle as he was being stripped.

Say yes to facial hair, but only the scraggly kind. If you're capable of growing a thick, attractive beard, you'll have to pluck out some in-between hairs to get the look you need. If you're female, you'll have to harvest some hair from elsewhere (don't make me say it) and glue it to your chin.

The hair on top of your head, if you have any, should be a mirror image of your chin. If you match your eyebrows to your mustache, you have a good chance of looking the same if turned upside-down. That can come in handy. For example, if you drop a pen, and you're bending down to pick it up just as someone comes up behind you, you can look from between your legs and freak him out.

Yell Without Provocation
As a Technology Prima Donna, you don't need a reason to yell. Nor does it matter if you're yelling at anyone in particular. Your anger at the slightest imperfection in others is a sure sign that you have high standards. (Double standards, but high nonetheless.) There are two types of yelling, both worth doing. The first kind is the "crazy street person" yell that is not directed at anyone nearby. It should be loud enough that people throughout your department can enjoy it, and obscene enough to show how passionate you are about your work. Let one fly periodically whether you're angry or not.

The second kind of yelling is the "I might hit you" yell that is so effective in meetings. Normal employees would be fired for verbally abusing a co-worker or vendor, but you are not normal. As a Technology Prima Donna, you have every right to rise out of your chair, scrunch your face up in a pained expression, and insult anyone who has disappointed you. Vendors are the easiest targets, because they won't fight back. But you can attack co-workers too, as long as you include in your rant something about "the benefit of the stockholders." It's the stockholder reference that distinguishes the Technology Prima Donna from ordinary suspected serial killers.

Be Mysterious And Eccentric
Leave ambiguous clues about your wild and dangerous lifestyle. Put motorcycle keys on your desk where people will see them, even if you don't own a motorcycle. Dress entirely in leather at least one day per month. If another motorcycle enthusiast asks what kind of bike you ride, ask him first what he rides. When he does, just mutter, "Lawnmower." Then walk away.

Drape an empty gun holster over your desk chair. If anyone asks where the gun is, say, "Depends. Whose side are you on" That will give you a reputation as a mysterious and dangerous player.

All Technology Prima Donnas have eccentric hobbies, like ostrich wrestling, or dung sculpture, or playing bridge. Invent an odd hobby for yourself and leave early one day a week to pursue it. Odd hobbies are a sign of brilliance, so it further reinforces your mystique.

Don't Return Phone Calls
Technology Prima Donnas are much too busy to return phone calls. If you make the mistake of returning a phone call, you will seem accessible and underworked. Those are the wrong signals to send. Soon, more people will call you and try to make you work. Returning phone calls is a no-win situation. If you must return a call, do it when you know the person is not there, and leave a message without your return phone number, in case the person has already lost it.

A good way to avoid phone conversations is to have your voice-mail greeting tell callers they can only reach you by paging you. It's more credible to claim you didn't get a page than a voice-mail. You might need the extra level of deniability in case you get cornered in the cafeteria by the victim of your ignorement.

Mumble Unintelligibly During Meetings
There are two types of communication that sound exactly the same to your co-workers: (1) nonsense, and (2) highly intelligent stuff. No one will suspect you of speaking nonsense if you remember to look down your nose at people when you talk. Your co-workers will sit quietly and listen, felling increasingly stupid for not understanding a word you say. To increase the discomfort of your co-workers, mumble. They'll not only feel dense, they'll also feel as thought they're going deaf. If anyone insists that you speak up, yell. Try to avoid any volume in between the extremes.

Draw Absurdly Complicated Diagrams On Whiteboards
Diagrams are the physical equivalent of mumbling. If you are forced to write anything down, make sure it's on a whiteboard where it cannot easily be saved or duplicated. And make sure it's absurdly complicated. Your diagrams should be bristling with lines and boxes and acronyms, the type of markings you might find on advanced alien spacecraft. Don't restrict yourself to the normal human alphabet. Invent new letters and sprinkle them in the mix. If anyone questions it, explain that some ideas are too big for the alphabet. At night, sneak into the office where you wrote on the whiteboard and erase everything. The janitor will take the rap.

Complain
You're not a Technology Prima Donna unless you're complaining about something. It will take some practice, but you can train yourself to hate everything in your immediate environment, plus all of the things you've read about in magazines. If a co-worker mentions a new technology, launch into a lengthy harangue about the inherent imitations and lack of backward compatibility. One of the marks of a genuine Technology Prima Donna, ironically, is an obsessive preference for old technology. Any mention of replacing your existing systems with new systems should be met with the sort of scorn normally reserved for war criminals and Congress.

Interviewing For Fun
In many fields, especially in technology areas, there are more jobs than there are qualified candidates. If you're a qualified candidate with highly sought-after skills, take advantage of the opportunity to go on interviews just for fun. It's your chance to act like a minor celebrity. There are few things more enjoyable than sitting in a comfortable chair, wearing your nicest clothes, eating doughnuts, and listening to some stranger tell you how talented and valuable you are.

Once you're full of pastries and beverages, start making impossible demands on your prospective employer. Ask if the company will provide twenty-four-hour bodyguards for you. Refuse to explain why you think you need one. Ask for a company car. If you get the car, ask if the interviewer would agree to be your driver. Make ridiculous salary demands based on comparisons to other industries.

"Travolta gets twenty million per movie. I'm thinking of something in that range."

Eventually your prospective employer will realize it's hopeless and end the interview. But not before giving you some free stuff, like a cool jackknife with his company's name on it, or possibly a desk clock. These make excellent gifts for co-workers. Ask to have them gift-wrapped.

Switch to Linux

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 21:13:00 GMT

A funny cartoon about Switching to Linux (opens in a new window). Cuz, you know, Linux can do anything.

Random Funnies

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 21:11:00 GMT

Random Comic Fun A random picture each time you reload this blog...

Observations of a Computer Technician

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 21:11:00 GMT

Observations of a Computer Technician

If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it
When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett- Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know diddly about the problem.
When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.
Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Heaven forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print queue.
When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery store on weekends.
If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.

Klingon Programmer

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 21:10:00 GMT

Klingon Programmer

Specifications are for the weak and timid!
This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!
You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake.
Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family.
You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Dongly Things

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 21:07:00 GMT

By Douglas Adams
Time to declare war, I think, on little dongly things. More of them turned up in the post this morning. I'd ordered a new optical disc drive from an American mail-order company, and because I live in that strange and remote place called "Foreign," and also because I travel like a pigeon, I was keen to know, when ordering it, if it had an international power supply.
"Yes, it does," said Scott, the sales assistant.
"You're sure it has an international power supply?"
"Yes," repeated Scott. "It has an international power supply."
"Absolutely sure?"
"Yes."
This morning it arrived. The first thing I noticed was that it didn't have an international power supply. Instead it had a little dongly thing. I have rooms full of little dongly things and don't want any more. Half the little dongly things I've got, I don't even know what gizmo they're for. More importantly, half the gizmos I've got, I don't know where their little dongly thing is. Most annoyingly, an awful lot of the little dongly things, including the one that arrived this morning, are little dongly things that run on 120 volts AC--American voltage, which means I can't use them here in Foreign (state code FN), but I have to keep them in case I ever take the gizmo to which they fit (provided I know which gizmo it is they fit to) to the USA.
What, you may ask, the hell am I talking about? The little dongly things I am concerned with (by no means the only species of little dongly things with which the microelectronics world is infested) are the external power adapters which laptops and palmtops and external drives and cassette recorders and telephone answering machines and powered speakers and other incredibly necessary gizmos need to step down the main AC supply from either 120 volts or 240 volts to 6 volts DC. Or 4.5 volts DC. Or 9 volts DC. Or 12 volts DC. At 500 milliamps. Or 300 milliamps. Or 1200 milliamps. They have positive tips and negative sleeves on their plugs, unless they are the type with negative tips and positive sleeves.
By the time you multiply all these different variables together, you end up with a fairly major industry which exists, so far as I can tell, to fill my cupboards with little dongly things, none of which I can ever positively identify without playing gizmo pelmanism. The usual method of finding a little dongly thing that actually matches a gizmo I want to use is to go and buy another one, at a price that can physically drive the air from your body.
Now why is this? Well, there's one possible theory, which is that just as Xerox is really in the business of selling toner cartridge, Sony is really in the little dongly power-supply business.
Another possible reason is that it is sheer blinding idiocy. It couldn't possibly be that, could it? I mean, could it? It's hard to imagine that some of the mightiest brains on the planet, fuelled by some of the finest pizza that money can buy, haven't at some point thought, "Wouldn't it be easier if we all just standardised on one type of DC power supply?" Now, I'm not an electrical engineer, so I may be asking for the impossible. Maybe it is a sine qua non of the way in which a given optical drive or CD Walkman works that it has to draw 600 milliamps rather than 500, or have its negative terminal on the tip rather than the sleeve, and that it will either whine or fry itself if presented with anything faintly different. But I strongly suspect that if you stuck a hardware engineer in a locked room for a couple of days and taunted him with the smell of pepperoni, he could probably think of a way of making whatever gizmo (maybe even the new gizmo Pro, which I've heard such good things about) it is he's designing work to a standard DC low-power supply.
In fact, a kind of rough standard already exists, but it's rather an odd one. Not many people actually smoke in their cars these days, and the aperture in the dashboard which used to hold the cigar lighter is now more likely to be powering a mobile phone, CD player, fax machine, or according to a recent and highly improbable TV commercial, an instant-coffee-making gizmo. Because the dashboard socket originally had a different purpose, it's the wrong size and in the wrong place for what we now want to do with it, so perhaps it's time to start adapting it for its new job.
The important thing this piece of serendipitous preadaptation has given us is a possible DC power standard. An arbitrary one, to be sure, but perhaps we should probably just be grateful that it was designed by a car mechanic in an afternoon and not a computer-industry standards committee in a lifetime. Keep the voltage level, design a new, small plug, and you have a new standard.
The immediate advantage of adopting it would be that you would only need one DC power adapter! Think of that! Well, not exactly one--you might need a dozen of them, but they would all be exactly the same! Just get a box of 'em! They'll just be a commodity item like, um, well, I was going to say lightbulbs, but lightbulbs come in all sorts of different wattages and fittings. The great thing about having a DC power standard is that it would be much better than lightbulbs.
Apart from doing away with endless confusion and inconvenience, the arrival of a new standard would encourage all sorts of other new features to emerge. Power points in convenient places in cars. DC power points in homes and offices and, most important, DC power points in the armrests of airplane seats . . .
I have to own up and say that, much as I love my PowerBook, which now does about 97.8 percent of what I used to use the lumbering old desktop dinosaurs for, I've given up trying to use it on planes. Yes, yes, I know that there are all sorts of power-user strategies you can use to extend your battery life--dimming modes, RAM disks, processor resting, and so on--but the point is that I really can't be bothered. I'm perfectly capable of just reading the in-flight magazine if I want to be irritated. However, if there were a DC power supply in my armrest, I would actually be able to do some work, or at least fiddle with stuff. I know that the airline companies will probably say, "Yes, but if we do that, our aeroplanes will fall out of the sky," but they always say that. I know that sometimes their planes do fall out of the sky, but--and here's the point--not nearly as often as the airline companies say they will. I for one would be willing to risk it. In the great war against little dongly things, no sacrifice, I think, is too great.
Source: http://www.douglasadams.com/dna/980707-03-a.html