If I were a famous psychologist--and thus free to make up stuff and still be credible--I would propose two possible explanations for why Technology Prima Donnas get away with their behavior. The most obvious is that everyone believes Technology Prima Donnas are capable of going on a killing spree, so it's a good idea to give them what they want. But there's another theory that's equally plausible: Most people foolishly believe "You get what you pay for."

The Technology Prima Donna makes you "pay" a higher psychological price for knowing him or her. Therefore you rationalize that there must be some value to justify the high price. (I would be an excellent fake psychologist.) If the Technology Prima Donna in your department doesn't get fired right away, you start to think the person must have some substantial hidden talents that make the abuse worthwhile. Within a month, you're telling other people what a genius the sociopath is. The Technology Prima Donna's reputation spreads. Soon it becomes impossible to fire the Technology Prima Donna because everyone will think the business depends on this one person.

Common sense might tell you that people who act like Technology Prima Donnas would be killed by angry mobs while the police turn a blind eye. But it doesn't work that way. Technology Prima Donnas are treated as stars and given extra money and larger cubicles. Sometimes even offices! As a worker, your choice is to suffer the indignities of interacting with Technology Prima Donnas or to become one yourself. I suggest becoming one. All you really lose is friends, and you can get more of those on the Internet. (The Internet is the best place to find friends, because you can pretend to be someone else. Your Internet friends will also be pretending to be other people, so in essence you will be creating fake people who will be friends with each other, but that's close enough. At least no one will ask to borrow your stuff.)

Most departments can survive having only one or two Technology Prima Donnas, so make sure you're one of them. It won't be hard to fool your boss into thinking you're a Technology Prima Donna if you follow these guidelines:

Have a Bad Personality
No one will believe you're a Technology Prima Donna unless you have a personality so unpleasant that your dog stuffs Gravy Train in his ears whenever you're near. Make it clear to those who would impose on you that there is a price to pay to be in your presence, and that price is exposure to your personality.

The Technology Prima Donna's Golden Rule
- Anyone who asks a question is a moron.
- The people who don't ask questions are morons too.

As a Technology Prima Donna, you have the right to look down on the ignorant masses who don't have your technical brilliance. But it's not sufficient to merely think contemptuous thoughts about others. You must let them know what you are thinking, through words and actions.

USER: I have a technical problem

PRIMA DONNA: That figures.

USER: I can't print, for some reason.

PRIMA DONNA: I think I know the reason, but I'd have to X-ray your head to be sure.

USER: I think it's a software conflict.

PRIMA DONNA: Pffft (said with spittle).

Never Respond To Questions
The only downside to being a Technology Prima Donna is that your co-workers will continually ask you questions. If you give simple and helpful answers, that will only encourage more questions. And if you admit you don't know the answers, that will blow your cover as a Technology Prima Donna. Your best bet is to avoid giving any answer at all. There are two good ways to do that. The first way is to simply ignore the people who ask the questions, as if they don't exist. Most people will repeat the question, louder each time, until finally giving up. As the defeated person turns to leave in anger, say, "It depends." That makes it seem as though you weren't ignoring the person, you were only thinking hard about the question. Most people will give up at this point, realizing that a conversation with you could take months. That's just enough effort on your part to protect you against accusations of unhelpfulness.

The second way to avoid giving answers is to tell people to reboot their system, no matter what the problem is. That rarely works, but it buys you time to escape. Look at your pager and mutter, "Uh-oh." then walk briskly to your nearest hideout. In all likelihood, the user's problem will be solved before you can be located.

Dress Like A Blind Hobo
Your dedication to looking unattractive is the most reliable indicator that you have godlike technical skills. The Technology Prima Donna's wardrobe should look like it were stolen from a blind hobo, who, despite being visually challenged, put up a mighty struggle as he was being stripped.

Say yes to facial hair, but only the scraggly kind. If you're capable of growing a thick, attractive beard, you'll have to pluck out some in-between hairs to get the look you need. If you're female, you'll have to harvest some hair from elsewhere (don't make me say it) and glue it to your chin.

The hair on top of your head, if you have any, should be a mirror image of your chin. If you match your eyebrows to your mustache, you have a good chance of looking the same if turned upside-down. That can come in handy. For example, if you drop a pen, and you're bending down to pick it up just as someone comes up behind you, you can look from between your legs and freak him out.

Yell Without Provocation
As a Technology Prima Donna, you don't need a reason to yell. Nor does it matter if you're yelling at anyone in particular. Your anger at the slightest imperfection in others is a sure sign that you have high standards. (Double standards, but high nonetheless.) There are two types of yelling, both worth doing. The first kind is the "crazy street person" yell that is not directed at anyone nearby. It should be loud enough that people throughout your department can enjoy it, and obscene enough to show how passionate you are about your work. Let one fly periodically whether you're angry or not.

The second kind of yelling is the "I might hit you" yell that is so effective in meetings. Normal employees would be fired for verbally abusing a co-worker or vendor, but you are not normal. As a Technology Prima Donna, you have every right to rise out of your chair, scrunch your face up in a pained expression, and insult anyone who has disappointed you. Vendors are the easiest targets, because they won't fight back. But you can attack co-workers too, as long as you include in your rant something about "the benefit of the stockholders." It's the stockholder reference that distinguishes the Technology Prima Donna from ordinary suspected serial killers.

Be Mysterious And Eccentric
Leave ambiguous clues about your wild and dangerous lifestyle. Put motorcycle keys on your desk where people will see them, even if you don't own a motorcycle. Dress entirely in leather at least one day per month. If another motorcycle enthusiast asks what kind of bike you ride, ask him first what he rides. When he does, just mutter, "Lawnmower." Then walk away.

Drape an empty gun holster over your desk chair. If anyone asks where the gun is, say, "Depends. Whose side are you on" That will give you a reputation as a mysterious and dangerous player.

All Technology Prima Donnas have eccentric hobbies, like ostrich wrestling, or dung sculpture, or playing bridge. Invent an odd hobby for yourself and leave early one day a week to pursue it. Odd hobbies are a sign of brilliance, so it further reinforces your mystique.

Don't Return Phone Calls
Technology Prima Donnas are much too busy to return phone calls. If you make the mistake of returning a phone call, you will seem accessible and underworked. Those are the wrong signals to send. Soon, more people will call you and try to make you work. Returning phone calls is a no-win situation. If you must return a call, do it when you know the person is not there, and leave a message without your return phone number, in case the person has already lost it.

A good way to avoid phone conversations is to have your voice-mail greeting tell callers they can only reach you by paging you. It's more credible to claim you didn't get a page than a voice-mail. You might need the extra level of deniability in case you get cornered in the cafeteria by the victim of your ignorement.

Mumble Unintelligibly During Meetings
There are two types of communication that sound exactly the same to your co-workers: (1) nonsense, and (2) highly intelligent stuff. No one will suspect you of speaking nonsense if you remember to look down your nose at people when you talk. Your co-workers will sit quietly and listen, felling increasingly stupid for not understanding a word you say. To increase the discomfort of your co-workers, mumble. They'll not only feel dense, they'll also feel as thought they're going deaf. If anyone insists that you speak up, yell. Try to avoid any volume in between the extremes.

Draw Absurdly Complicated Diagrams On Whiteboards
Diagrams are the physical equivalent of mumbling. If you are forced to write anything down, make sure it's on a whiteboard where it cannot easily be saved or duplicated. And make sure it's absurdly complicated. Your diagrams should be bristling with lines and boxes and acronyms, the type of markings you might find on advanced alien spacecraft. Don't restrict yourself to the normal human alphabet. Invent new letters and sprinkle them in the mix. If anyone questions it, explain that some ideas are too big for the alphabet. At night, sneak into the office where you wrote on the whiteboard and erase everything. The janitor will take the rap.

Complain
You're not a Technology Prima Donna unless you're complaining about something. It will take some practice, but you can train yourself to hate everything in your immediate environment, plus all of the things you've read about in magazines. If a co-worker mentions a new technology, launch into a lengthy harangue about the inherent imitations and lack of backward compatibility. One of the marks of a genuine Technology Prima Donna, ironically, is an obsessive preference for old technology. Any mention of replacing your existing systems with new systems should be met with the sort of scorn normally reserved for war criminals and Congress.

Interviewing For Fun
In many fields, especially in technology areas, there are more jobs than there are qualified candidates. If you're a qualified candidate with highly sought-after skills, take advantage of the opportunity to go on interviews just for fun. It's your chance to act like a minor celebrity. There are few things more enjoyable than sitting in a comfortable chair, wearing your nicest clothes, eating doughnuts, and listening to some stranger tell you how talented and valuable you are.

Once you're full of pastries and beverages, start making impossible demands on your prospective employer. Ask if the company will provide twenty-four-hour bodyguards for you. Refuse to explain why you think you need one. Ask for a company car. If you get the car, ask if the interviewer would agree to be your driver. Make ridiculous salary demands based on comparisons to other industries.

"Travolta gets twenty million per movie. I'm thinking of something in that range."

Eventually your prospective employer will realize it's hopeless and end the interview. But not before giving you some free stuff, like a cool jackknife with his company's name on it, or possibly a desk clock. These make excellent gifts for co-workers. Ask to have them gift-wrapped.